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Siblings - Life Relationships
By Tony Papas
It is the most natural thing in the world, yet so strange, the relationships that define most of our lives are those we do not choose: our family, our parents and our brothers. Blood ties and emotional bonds, very strong, link us with them. From these life relationships those which, presumably, will accompany us until old age is the relationships with our brothers and sisters. The ancient tragedies, myths and fairy tales are full of stories of brothers who sacrificed for each other or destroy, kill one another. Although in real life such passion is not seen, fraternal relations, however, characterize them in more or less the same emotions: love and hate, or more specifically loyalty and rivalry.
Where do these feelings come from?
A valuable experience
Every fraternal relationship begins with a firstborn child, which at first is alone and usually enjoys peace and quiet and unlimited love and attention of its parents. This is undoubtedly a great privilege that enjoys the firstborn child of every family, which certainly do not want to lose. Things change by the time the child starts sensing the mother's pregnancy, and continue to change after the birth of the new baby. This new creature actually invaded in a particularly dynamic and demanding way in the life of the family and which we all tenderly and affectionately call "your little brother/sister" is too often the subject of real hatred. This hatred in time will give way to love, while the new baby is developing into a human being, which one plays with and feels proud of .... I think it's extremely valuable experience for the child to discover that his younger brother (or sister) who begins to love is the same person with the newborn infant, who a few weeks before he hated and wanted to remove it, writes the known psychoanalyst-child psychiatrist Dr. D. Winnicott
Jealousy is not only negative
Jealousy and rivalry, if they don't get oppressed ( "I shouldn't be jealous of my brother, just have to love him), are not only negative feelings. The weighing and comparing the capacities and opportunities among siblings has a very positive side: it helps us along with the companionship that exists to build on our self-image and prompts us to try to discover our own personal inclinations and cultivate them.
The child who gets "deposed"
Of course, this emotional process don't go through with only the firstborn siblings, although we can assume that they go through with it more intensely than other children of the family. Every child feels jealousy and hate when it gets "deposed" by the next. Beefing, quarrels, tussles, fighting, barbed words between brothers is on the daily agenda: "No, you will not enter my room", "You had a lot more chocolate", "Mom will take me with her". In every area of children life there are objects of rivalry: the love of their parents, performance at school, birthday gifts, friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, the first loves. What child has never wished to be as strong, as clever, as good footballer like his brother? And which adult has not secretly got jealous of the successful marriage, great career or the carefree life of his brother or sister? Jealousy and competition between siblings is quite normal and probably in most cases never cease to exist. And there are usually stronger between siblings of the same sex.
The first partners
On the other hand, of course, there is the brotherly love and devotion. But they are different -not necessarily bigger or better- than love and devotion in other relationships, because we kneaded with it from almost our baby age, because we have been cultivated with it, because its being fostered by common experiences and memories. Our brothers and sisters are usually the first to share with us our child fantasies, and they become too knights, cowboys, princesses. Even when the age difference is such that the preference of each differ, brother or sister can easily get into the fantasy world, to share the "crazy" part of the game to "get the point". Siblings are usually, despite the rivalries and the "cat and dog life", our first allies against the grownups, foreigners, the "bad guys". They are the ones that protect us or protect them, and this continues as we grow. And also, very important, our siblings are allies when things go wrong in the family, when parents argue or separate.
Feelings of passion
Between siblings things very often are not sweet and lovely. The distance, the difficulty of communication, the rivalry, even hatred, may never stop or flare up with some excuse. And then the emotions are often experienced with passion, because the relationship is of such gravity that is hard to stay sober.
When siblings grow
The time that passes changes us, sometimes without being aware of it. Relationships with siblings are changing as well. Sometimes the bonds become closer. If we have a family, children of our own, they may bring us back closer to our siblings. Or again -something that happens quite often- we become more relaxed and distant. We see each other only at Christmas and in a celebration. Everyone has their own life, which he set up accomplishing - someone less and someone more- releasement from the shackles of the family. But what if the competition and hatred never stop or come back when we are adults? We can say with some certainty that the feud between adult siblings either derives exclusively or feeds from childhood rivalry, not exceeded or never cleared. The angry and adamant adult is the child who got hurt because his parents admired his brother who was a very good student, cause they did favors to his sister because she was weak and fragile, being punished because he was more "naughty". He is interpreting the current behavior of the now adult brother or sister as a continuation of a situation that made him handicapped and suffer. However, it is far from what our siblings would tell us if we were to ask. Most often the "pampered", the "advantaged" children not only they didn't aim at those privileges by their parents, but they suffered themselves from them. Such a "tidying up" may unravel old misunderstandings, lighten the relationship and bring us closer to our siblings. As we grow, we often feel the need for people who we feel our own, without having to try to get them (or to conquer them). Besides our parents, which will one day leave, are or could be our siblings those people. That is why maybe is worth getting closer with them.
A relationship which is not uprooted. We can decide to live away from our siblings or without them, or things may come that way without our will. It is very difficult, probably impossible, not looking even unconsciously in our dreams this relationship.
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This intel was contributed by MLM Divas
MLM Divas
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May, 2012
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